Topless Inspiration

I remember going on vacation out of the country I went to the beach with my book. Everywhere was your typical beach activity. I saw this woman a little less in shape than me soaking up the sun, chatting with friends, enjoying the day.  I envied her. I was surprised to find of all the beach bunnies jealous of her. I didn't think she was too fat to be topless, which is exactly what I think of myself. I thought damn, I wish I were that comfortable in my own skin. She was slightly manish, but she was beautiful in her confidence and comfort.

I took my top off that day. I don't know that the sun has ever felt that amazing. It was also the day that planted a seed to start running. We never spoke, I doubt she even noticed me. But she started a change in me I will always be grateful for. I didn't start running right after that. But whenever I felt less, I would think back to her. To the courage she gave me. To the way it felt to lay out in the sun on a public beach.

Since I have started running I have been getting feedback from people. I get odd looks and some sneers from people as they pass me, generally sitting in a vehicle. But in general the feedback is positive, there is even a little awe and admiration. At first that made me very uncomfortable, always waiting for that back hand or the punch line. Then it dawned on me, I am doing something pretty damn amazing. Now I am that woman on the beach.

It is so easy to make excuses not to do things when you are not ideal. Like not sunbathing topless because you are not a supermodel. Or not running because you are not a born athlete. But when an average Joe or Jane is out there doing what we are too scared to try.... that is awesome, that is inspiring.

I hear excuses from loved ones all the time about why they can't or won't ever run. Sometimes I want to call them out on it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is how it feels, and it feels amazing once you get past the initial shock of doing it. Once you stop thinking about all the reasons you shouldn't do it, and embrace the sun.

I can't run because...

               My knees - Actually studies have shown running slows the progression of arthritis. Maybe bare foot running is out, although I haven't given up the fantasy yet.

               No time - You forgot we are friends on facebook. I know you spend hours catching up on tv shows you never heard of til you saw it on someone else post about it.

               Too out of shape - how do you propose to fix that on the sofa? The C25K program is available in app form now, you wouldn't even have to put down the iphone.

 I would never run because...

               Not athletic - How long have we known each other? I trip over lint. When athletically challenged finally makes the dictionary, my picture will be right there.

               No clowns chasing me - I can borrow Ivan's big shoes, my nose turns red in the cold, I would love to wear a flower that squirts lemonade. I will chase you, all you had to do was ask.

               Too hard - So is blood sugar monitoring and insulin shots. Heart attacks are tough too. Ectomies and chemo can be a real bitch I hear.

Running with chronic ___________

So I have started this post a couple times. But I always shut it down before I get too far in. I keep feeling like either a jerk or a martyr. But I really want to put out there what it is like to get off your bum when you are not a born athlete and you have a strike or two against you in the body department.

I don't think I am a great authority on the subject. I certainly have not crossed a finish line with stage 4 cancer, or run a marathon on my hands. I am not that incredible or inspiring, I am truly humbled by those who are.

I love this man, don't know who he is. But he is awesome!

But what I am is a work in progress. Incredibly human with a body flawed by disease, diet, and lifestyle. I am bound and determined to change all that, but I am finding that it can be more of a struggle than I had planned. I also think there are more mortals out there like me, struggling to break bad habits and embrace our own inner greatness.

I really feel like I have no excuse not to try. Yes, I live with chronic pain and fatigue. Yes, I have less than perfect kidney function and take 3 pills a day to keep my blood pressure in a normal range. BUT I don't have cancer, I am not on dialysis, I am not bed ridden, I am not dying today. And guess what, the best way to avoid all those things is to get off my butt and change my lifestyle and diet. (I repeat this paragraph to myself regularly. I tend to need regular kicks in the bum.)

I love to run. I love the way it feels after the second mile in, when everything shuts off. I struggle with starting the first mile. I have a tendency to let my aches and pains get in the way. The cold weather is really hard, I am so stiff and sore. Treadmill? Forget it, I get so bored that it becomes physically painful, weird I know.

I keep thinking I can catch up on the weekends. Problem is Saturday is grocery day. By the time I am done with that I am exhausted. 3-4 hours of combat shopping wears a girl out. Sunday forget it. It is all I can do to get dressed and make dinner before everyone comes over.

But I learned something this week. As I went on my impromptu trail run. Training Plans/Schedules like treadmills suck. At least for me. Instead of doing less than the scheduled run I skip if I can't do it all in the time I have available. Sometimes my time availability is dictated by the clock, by my family needs but most often by what my body can handle. So I am tossing out the training plan. I am replacing it with my plan, for the next few weeks I will run 30 min a day 3 days a week, and 60 minutes on weekend. Weekend runs will be tossed aside for races however.

One size doesn't fit all. Maybe this post didn't end up so much about my aches and pains. Never fear, I am sure that those posts will be just as plentiful here.

Meanwhile I will continue to rack up miles because... I don't have cancer. But someone I love does.

Calendars, races & goals

I love filling up my monthly calendar with races. I feel so accomplished and athletic. Who would have thought?

Last month there was only one local race and I was slated to be out of town, so I signed up for 3 virtual races. Not just one, but 3 and I ran them all. Picked up some new bling and bibs.  While I may not have racked up huge mileage, I did rack up some major self esteem points.

Funny thing happened while I was filling my March calendar. I discovered that the cut and color I have been waiting 3 months for, it is the same day as a race. So like any busy self aware woman, I had to make a choice. Sadly, my hair got waitlisted and my roots will have to make do with L'Oreal for another 3 months. But a girl's gotta run. Who wouldn't rather run 5 miles uphill?

There may not be any bling races this month. But I will be running my first race over a 5k for the year. I will also be running my first non-virtual (dare I say real life) race. I did run the Les Williams Memorial 5k in January, awesome, with others. But it had a virtual component, what with all those amazing people across the globe running and walking with us. I hope they have a old parent section for the 10k. It is a fundraiser for the track team and I am worried about getting trampled.

I am terribly ambitious, so I have set 3 goals for myself.

#1 Finish

#2 Don't finish last

#3 PR

 

March Line Up

3/16 Flannigan Run 5 miles

3/23 Anywhere5k

3/31 TMHS Glacier 10k

 

Balancing Act

Changing up my training again. This is my first week of Triathlon training. I will be continuing the 10k training as well, just adding in beginning swimming and cycling. I will be adding to my cancer contributions as well, training money for bike miles and swim meters.

All these training plans brings me to the realization I need to learn to manage my time better. So many hats to wear: wife, mother, employee, athlete and woman. I need all of them to feel whole, I just need to learn how to balance them so no one feels shorted including me.

I learned the hard way this past year that training is vital to my well being. When we brought Addie home I stopped training. She was too little to leave home with the boys. The boys weren't ready to be babysitters. When the fishing season was over Billy was the stay at home parent, not his bliss and I needed to be there to support him in the evenings. My health deteriorated and so did my self worth.

A year later and I am just climbing out of the frumpy dumps. I know that I need to train and move to be the best me I can. And my family deserves that. My children need me to set an example of healthy living full of veggies and exercise. Billy is coming out of retirement for the year, getting a boost doing what he does best. Although he is an awesome fisherman too.

I can go to bed earlier and get up earlier, swim before work. Family night at the pool on Fridays. Bike after work, when the roads clear a bit more family bike rides would be awesome. After all the point is to finish the triathlon, so any biking is better than none.

But my runs, those will still be just for me. After all we all deserve a little time alone.

Semi Nude

No GPS yesterday, cloudy skies, wind and just being in Alaska. Living in paradise has its price. So I ran and guessed distance. I did get my time.

I was pretty tight and stiff, what usually happens when I run in the morning instead of evening. I pulled my glute a while back and it really gave me fits while I ran. So I came home feeling slow and a bit dejected. Definitely a sluggish run.

NOT

I plugged in my route and found out I went farther than I thought and ran faster too. Maybe all my long runs should be run naked. I am ten steps closer to breaking 13.

Travel won't stop the race schedule

I ran my 5k this weekend for Kyle's Krusade. I was not going to let travel, doctor or family visits keep me from my race schedule. I made a commitment to run at least one race a month for Stand up 2 Cancer. I will do this.

I ran in Port Orchard, not at all familiar with the area, but I headed out with my Garmin and made it happen. More hills than I have run on, but I conserves my energy and paced myself. I finished extremely strong, which tells me that I am stronger than I thought.

More training tomorrow, I have stayed right on track. I will make my mileage this week. That rocks!

Shall I tri?

So I went to the doctor Friday, the whole reason for even coming to Seattle. I have been dreading this appointment, afraid the doctor would tell me they need to run more tests before they can figure out what to do. Things have been steadily getting worse over the last year and a half. The only thing that has kept me remotely sane the last few months is running, I hurt sitting on the sofa or lying in bed might as well run. I celebrated pulling my hamstring because it was something I did by running, not just my body quitting on me. After fatigue no amount of rest can kick, migraines, and pains akin to really bad flu, self-inflicted wounds are a welcome badge of honor.

The appointment did not start well. I got there late and didn’t check in at the right spot. If I wasn’t a basket case before, after all that running around the hospital I certainly was. Lots of questions and going over my history, a little bit of poking and prodding. “’Does this hurt?’ umm it sure doesn’t feel good.” Then comes the end of the consult where the doctor tells me he needs to see the results from my kidney biopsy a few years back. And he needs to get new blood work, because the tests he needs to see I haven’t had run since 2009. All the while my heart is sinking deeper in my chest. I just flew 3,000 miles to go home with jack of a solution.

He looked me in the eye and said, “I can fix you”. It was the most wonderful thing he could say. He need to do more testing just to know if there are things to keep an eye on for the future. But for what I am dealing with now, whether it is just Sjogren’s or if I have Lupus too. The treatment is the same. I am not being sent home empty handed. I am being sent home with a solution, and the medication is not too bad. Side effects are pretty minimal and within a month I should be feeling better.

“I can fix you” that is the most beautiful thing a doctor can say. I cannot express the weight that was lifted off me when he said that. I do not have to keep fighting with my body, we can become a team, heart mind and body.

Does this mean I tri? When the race calendar for Juneau came out for this year I noticed there was a sprint triathlon on it. Not knowing what that was I looked it up and thought gee that might be doable, and I want to do it. I posted it on Facebook looking to see if anyone was interested. Dead silence, nothing. Then one night I was talking to my daughter and she told me she was training to do it with me. I am thinking holy buckets, I haven’t started. I don’t even know if I can do this, everyday it feels like another part of my body is shutting down.

I decided if I could get help from the doctor I would do it, a way to take my body back from disease. Because let’s face is call it whatever you like, disorder disease or syndrome. At the end of the day these autoimmune things are vampires sucking the life out of you. Nephritic Syndrome and Sjogren’s Syndrome just happen to be the vampires feeding off me. Well I got the good news, the doctor is getting me some garlic and holy water, may not have a stake. But I am taking my life back, I am going to be the wife, mom and woman my family deserves. I am doing a Tri in August. Swimming, Biking and Running. The run I go nailed. The other two I know how to do, I just need to get strong enough to do it. And I will. Because I have a doctor that can fix me.

Training plans ???

No running today. I planned ahead for the travel and ran yesterday. I am sticking to this 10k training plan. But if it doesn’t get me on the road more than 3 days a week soon, I may bag it. There is a 10k March 30^th I plan to run, and I really want to finish strong. Which is why I am doing this training. But I feel like it may be not a good fit for me. I really am itching to get more miles in. On the flip side I am pushing myself harder when I do get to run.

Maybe as a newbie I am not ready for the formal training plan. I am still impressed I can keep one foot pounding in front of the other for up to an hour at a time, ok the hour I have only done once. But still impressive. I get a thrill from that forward momentum, why should I limit myself to 3 days a week at a distance of some plan. Honestly my last 2 runs were longer because I couldn’t run for less than 30 minutes.

Or possibly more likely is my distaste of rules and structure. Maybe that is why I waited until after 40 to run my first mile, ever. Quite possibly the key to the plan is to use it to push me. Post the rules knowing I will have to break them. I can’t do less because running is making me feel whole. So I must do more. Which leads me to doing more than I ever thought I could…

To be fair this is only week 2 of the training plan, so it remains to be seen what my feelings will be further into the plan. It is a beginner plan, maybe it was written for someone with less than 3 months of steady running under their tights. But I am certainly not intermediate, even my fantasies won’t embrace that.

So I will keep you posted. But please feel free to give me some input as to your own training plan experience. I am running solo here, and often can get lost in my own head. While the garden is beautiful, the weeds tend to take over from time to time.

I AM A RUNNER, PERIOD.

So often I will say I am a runner but: but, but, but. But every once in a while there comes a moment where there is no but. I am a runner, period.

This week it came in a moment while preparing for my trip to Seattle. My first concern? Even before I scheduled my doctor's appointment I was scoping out the local racing calendar. Signed up for a virtual race because I could find a local one. Mental packing list started, only items on it? Running gear clothes, shoes, racing bib, headphones, Garmin.

My next thought?  Can a squeeze in a trip to an actual running store? How would be so amazing to go through a store with nothing but running stuff. See those things I have only seen online. Is there a running store next to the commercial fishing store? Billy has his priorities too.

My priorities are definitely on the run.  I am really looking forward to running outside. The track has gotten very boring. But can't run on ice in the dark. So until the days get a little longer or the paths a little clearer here at home the track is the place to be.

I have to say this transition from the bleachers to the field is amazing. I feel so good about the road I am on. The things my body is able to do, funny how many impossible things are possible once we stop making excuses.

Being enough

Yes, yes, yes!! I had to share this, it is so part of what drives me. It is funny how we let momentary discomfort stop us from being a lifetime better. Not just in running or not running. Healthy Eating or fast food. But in how we give or don’t give of ourselves.

I am not much of a joiner, I have never shaken that just don’t fit in feeling. I have never felt like I had enough to offer. Not that I didn’t have something, just was never sure it was enough. There are always those who are happy to help me feel that way too.

What I am starting to realize is it doesn’t have to be enough for someone else. It just has to be enough for me. Funny thing is the more uncomfortable or awkward I feel doing something. The better I feel about myself when I am done.

I may not be the fastest runner, or even able to go incredible distances today. I may not be the best fundraiser either. But I am getting better at both every day. I am inspired to run farther so I can give more. I would regret doing less.

I am Wonder Woman

When I was in school there was this girl, I don't know her name we weren't in the same grade. But I remember her even today. Every day she would find an empty spot on the playground, stretch out her arms, and spin. While she spun you could hear a quiet "Wonder Woman ba-da-bup-bup-ba-da-ba". As kids we didn't appreciate her. Didn't see the magic in what she did. In those moments she was a superhero and the rest of us didn't exist, we didn't matter. She was whole and embraced who she was and in those moments she was Wonder Woman.

After years of wanting to feel that way, embrace myself and be enough. Be my own super hero. I have found it, that moment of inner peace and acceptance. I feel that when I run. I feel so good in my skin, good about who I am. I feel like Wonder Woman, on my cool down I strut like a runway model I swear. I am the sexiest woman in the world. I know it!

I realize the reality is I probably bare a closer resemblance to Fat Momma than Wonder Woman. But that is ok, Fat Momma is pretty awesome too. But it doesn't matter what everyone on the outside sees. I know who and what I am.

So if you happen to see me running down the road no need to get your eyes checked. In that moment I really am a superhero with the stride of a gazelle.

Start a blog miss a run

Isn’t that just the way. Had to go into work and get a little grocery shopping done. By the time those chores were done I was painfully exhausted. Ugh, I hate when I get dropped like that. Timing couldn’t be worse. Here I am trying to write a motivational, everyone can do it blog… And I get sidelined.

I skipped my Saturday run. It was just a 2 miler, and I have a 4 miler on Sunday, today. So I don’t feel like a total slacker. I will do the 4 miles, that is the trade off for missing the 2. I have to remind myself you can’t take the day off from cancer.

I am going to Seattle this week to see the Rheumatologist. Hopefully we can get a handle on this, the time between bad days is getting shorter. There is a part of me that is excited to get a handle on this. Then there is the part that is a bit nervous about they won’t be able to help. I need to get my head around this, and accept even if it doesn’t work I need to suck it up. I will keep running.

1 in 2 men will get cancer in their lifetime. That means one of my boys. How do I choose?

1 in 3 women. Got one of my sisters, and odds are it will get at least one of my daughters.

This is not acceptable to me. I will not take it lying down, or sitting on my butt. I don’t know why anyone would want to. My children deserve the very best and a world without cancer is the best.

That worked. I got my 4 miles in, ran the whole way too. That is huge for me, think that is the furthest I have run ever without a walk break. I need to get on the yoga, try to loosen and strengthen all those muscles that like to tighten up on me.

Billy is my bra. Sounds funny I know, don’t know that he understood the compliment either. When I think support, that one item above all that gives me the support and lift I need. It would be my bra. Because let’s face it, without it we are talking muscle pulls the kind you can’t stretch out. After all night of listening to me moan and groan, whimpering because stuff was achy. He got up the morning and pushed me out the door. He made it ok for me to go run. In the past he wanted me to take it easy, not hurt myself. It really seems he understands that running makes me feel better, even if it is just in my head. He supports me getting out there and doing it. Even if it means more whimpering at night, or a minor hamstring pull. He is there to be my Jiminy Cricket and push me out the door. I love him for that. So he is my bra, maybe not the greatest compliment to some, but to a runner wannabe like me… it is the biggest one I got.

Run for something

Running for a reason

 

 

I started running in 2011. Kind of. My world was in total chaos and I wanted to do something for someone else. Anyone else. I needed to not be me. I got a post card in the mail inviting me to take part in Team in Training for LLS. I signed up. I wasn’t really sure what I was getting into. I trained, but not as much as I wanted to or even should have.

I was never an athlete, I was always the clumsy one. Last one picked for everything. I always quit before it got too tough. My training was a bit like that. I didn’t quit, I didn’t give up. But I didn’t give in to the run all the way either. I didn’t leave it all on the track as it were. I raised the money, or my husband donated most of it. I finished the Rock n Roll half in Seattle. But I didn’t run as much as I dreamed. Self-sabotage, quit on me before my body did. I loved it, somewhere around mile 5 my brain shut off. All that chatter and self doubt went away, all the pain of the past year didn’t exist. I found the runner’s high and I liked it. Strange considering I walked half the half.

I knew I wanted to keep going, get better. But I also knew I couldn’t just do it for me. I quit on me. I needed to do it for something else. Then I learned about Team Challenge for CCFA. I have a younger sister with Crohn’s Disease, perfect fit. Signed up and started planning for the Vegas Rock n Roll. Then came Addie, beautiful grand baby in need of a home. She came to live with us. Training came to a halt. I couldn’t justify going for a run after being away from her all day. I did run in Vegas, not very good. Dehydration was icky, my kidney function was wonky. Stress fracture. Not too good.

I was grounded for 2012. Wanted to be home after work for my family. My body has gone through several flare phases, fatigue and body pains. So very exhausted and achy. So no running still. Then I realized I hurt anyway, whether I sit on the sofa or run. Why not run? But then it is just about me, and how do I take myself away from the family?

Fast forward to a few months ago, and lots of failed attempts to get back running. CANCER is back. My big sister’s cancer that is. I can’t cure cancer, not anymore than I can cure Crohn’s. But I can run, kind of. I can try to raise money too. But I can give my money too. So here I am running, not even kind of, real running. I have dedicated 2013 to kicking cancer’s can. I am donating $1 for every mile I race and $.50 for every mile I train to Stand Up 2 Cancer. Maybe it is just dollars and pennies, but it will rack up. So are my miles.

It is working too. Running for a reason is really working for me. I have managed to get at least 3 days of running in a week. I am starting a 10k training program and I am right on point. In fact I can actually run for a half hour without stopping. I have never in my life done that. The other day I actually ran through a cramp. I didn’t give up on me. I can’t. I have to do this for JoAnne. I can’t let her down, can’t be a quitter. Not this time.  I run for something.

Today is just a 2 miler, but it is a good day to run

 

 

 

 

My New Gear

My shirts came in! So excited. The buttons are very retro 80's. I had to wear one today, I was very jazzed.

How I got here

I am Theresa. I am a mom, wife and sister. My kidneys have not been perfect since 1993, but it has been manageable. I take my medicine and things are pretty stable. In 2010 it got a little shaky. Things were not so stable anymore. I even became borderline diabetic, borderline because I got my dr to postpone meds for 6 months. I got on a strict clean eating diet and regular workout routine. Dropped almost 100lbs and got all my numbers back in check. I was also diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome. Ugh, really can there be anymore?

My younger sister has Crohn’s Disease, it is a crappy disease. She is definitely sicker than me. In December of 2011 I ran in Vegas to raise money for the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation. I was not much of a runner and my body wasn’t in tip top shape. But honestly it wasn’t about me. It was about her, couldn’t cure her but I could run.

2012 I didn’t do much, we became the proud parents of a beautiful grand daughter. And babies take time, she needed me home not running after work. So I thought. My body started getting out of whack again. First time I learned that Sjogren’s is a lot more of a bum kicker than just dry eyes.

Speed up to today. My older sister has cancer. It is back. I can’t cure her either, but I can run. I can raise money for the smart people that can cure her. I have a little kidney disease and an autoimmune problem. But those things won’t kill me. Not if I eat right and get my butt in shape. I don’t have cancer. So I am my Sister’s Runner, because I can run for her. I can do this little bit to make a difference.